I have had some interesting experiences with relationships, as I am sure most of us have. I decided to focus on this topic for a paper I was writing for one of my graduate classes in Transpersonal Psychology. It was for my Theories of Personality class and I combined some experience and research on relationships with personality and nonviolent communication techniques.
Nonviolent
Communication in Relationships
INTRODUCTION
Relationships give participants an
opportunity to see themselves more fully and clearly than the members would
individually. This clarity and insight enable relationship growth and self-actualization.
This growth potential can be maximized or stymied based on the interplay
between the individuals. Maximizing the growth potential requires an openness
and desire for growth by all participants. It also requires self-awareness,
commitment, and empathy. Self-awareness is important for understanding where
you are coming from emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. It provides a
context for your position and being
within the relationship. Commitment carries the relationship through
challenges. Empathy produces an understanding of someone else’s reality.
Reality differs for everyone. Reality
refers to one’s experience of the world at a given time and in a given situation.
Personality, spirituality, past experiences, overall life philosophy, and
mentality make this a subjective experience, creating a perception of life. Therefore, reality is a subjective perception
about life. Empathy is then understood to be the comprehension of someone’s perception. How do you understand someone’s personality,
spirituality, past experiences, overall life philosophy, and mentality?
According to the American Heritage Dictionary, understand means to perceive. It is a verb and denotes action or
process. This process is the interplay between individuals known as communication.
Humans communicate in several ways:
energetically, nonverbally, and verbally. All elements are important and whole
studies in themselves. I am concerned with verbal communication since it seems
to be the most widely used and supposedly understood. Communication, for all
its importance and widespread use, does not guarantee a successful relationship. I define successful as the full actualization of the inherent potential – in
this case it is the full actualization of the inherent potential of a
relationship. Full actualization requires consciously
communicating and implies working at
these quality communications. Certainly not all relationships require this at
the same level or to the same degree. I am interested in looking at those
relationships requiring conscious and quality communications at the highest
level: intimate relationships – long term endeavors between people offering the
highest growth potential for the involved parties and containing high levels of
synergy (cooperation) and love.
How do we consciously communicate? I
propose three vital components to conscious communication: empathy, technique
and completion. The technique or procedure I offer is non-violent communication.
Completion refers to bringing closure to exchanges – leaving no loose ends -
unexpressed thoughts and feelings.
I theorize that through non-violent
communication brought to completion we can consciously communicate with each
other successfully, especially in intimate relationships, and thereby
facilitate our own and our partner’s actualization into our highest potentials.
This paper will systematically explore the aforementioned key topics to attain
fuller understanding. Relationships, communication, and empathy are all
processes tied to the value or quality of our life experience.
INDIVIDUALITY
Individuality plays a key role in understanding
relationships because relationships are comprised of individuals. Alfred Adler
developed individual psychology as a
way of really delving into the uniqueness of individuals (Frager & Fadiman,
1998. p. 97). Adler
understood behavior in the context of physical and social environments. He also
made large contributions to family and group therapy. This suggests that by
understanding relationships you can better understand individuals and vice
versa. Alder believed life was about adaptation,
cooperation, and altruism (p. 97). Adler postulated
that “the hardest thing for people to do is to know themselves and change
themselves” (p. 98). Empowerment of self
and others is a key component to Adler’s work and
foreshadowed the work of Carl
Rogers who speaks heavily on the
topic of relationships.
RELATIONSHIPS
Relationships are a way to better
know oneself since they mirror aspects of our self that we may not otherwise
notice. Additionally, they shed light on how others might experience us. Rogers
states, “Our personalities become visible to us through relating to others” (p.
413). People invest incredible amounts of time in relationships because they
desire fulfillment of the biologically inherent need for affiliation. Rogers
specifically looks at intimate relationships, those loving relationships of a
potentially long-term nature, as being a vehicle through which development can
occur. He associates four key elements to relationships: commitment,
expression, avoiding specific roles, and personal sharing (p. 413). These four
elements of a relationship directly influence the synergy or degree of
interpersonal cooperation (p. 456). Synergy is necessary for the individuals in
a relationship to truly get the full benefit of the relationship and
self-actualization. The full benefit includes the notion that the combined
effort of both parties – the partnership – yields greater results than the sum
of either person’s individual efforts.
SELF-ACTUALIZATION
Abraham Maslow
is well known for his hierarchy of needs. There are five levels to his hierarchy
pyramid. On the bottom, the most basic level, are the physiological needs. The second level is safety needs. Psychological needs start at level three with belonging and love. Level four is self-esteem and level five, the highest
level, is self-actualization.
Self-actualization refers to the process of utilizing of talents and capacities.
Notice self-actualization is a growth process and not an ultimate destination. Maslow believed very few people achieved self-actualization
– meaning most people never even begin this process. Basic needs must be met
before someone can approach self-actualization. Additionally, someone must want to engage in this process. Like any
process, it takes effort.
Meta-motivation refers to “behavior
inspired by growth needs and values” (p. 446). It takes the form of something
outside of oneself and is common amongst self-actualizers. Self-actualizers
share some traits. These traits include (a) comfortable relationship with
reality and an efficient understanding of reality, (b) acceptance of self,
others, and nature, (c) spontaneity; simplicity; naturalness, (d) problem-centering
as opposed to ego-centering, (e) the quality of detachment; the need for
privacy, (f) autonomy; independence of culture and environment, (g) continued
freshness of appreciation, (h) mystic and peak experiences, (i) a feeling of
kinship with others, (j) deeper and more profound interpersonal relations, (k)
the democratic character structure, (l) discrimination between means and ends,
(m) sense of humor, (n) self-actualizing creativeness, (o) resistance to
enculturation; the transcendence of any particular culture (p. 448-449). Self-
actualizers are not free of faults. They are strongly committed. Maslow
developed eight general ways people can self-actualize: (a) concentration, (b)
choosing growth over safety, (c) self-awareness - understanding one’s inner
nature and making one’s own decisions), (d) honesty - taking responsibility for
one’s actions and looking within for the answers to problems, (e) judgment -
trusting one’s instincts, (f) self-development - the never-ending process of
realizing one’s potential, (g) peak experiences - experiences leaving us more
whole, integrated, and aware of self and the world, (h) lack of ego defenses - becoming
aware of the ways in which we distort our images of ourselves and the external
world and dropping these things when appropriate (p. 450-451). Effective
relationships entailing conscious communication help us achieve growth in one
or more of these self-actualizing processes. A vital component to conscious
communication is empathy.
EMPATHY
Rogers believed
mutual empathy and empowerment lived at the core of successful
(growth-enhancing) relationships. He stated that empathy contains four
components: motivation, perception, affection, and cognition. Motivation refers
to the desire to know another’s reality. Perception refers to the ability to
understand verbal and nonverbal cues. Affection refers to the ability to
resonate with another’s feelings. The cognitive component makes sense of the
joining resonance (p. 263). Empathy allows for relationship enhancement in
addition to the development of self. Relationship enhancement for intimate
relationships may entail a deeper level of intimacy for both parties. This
might take the form of deeper sharing, more cooperation, or deeper love. Again,
intimacy is a complete study in itself.
Empathy requires that both people
respect one another’s experience (p. 263). It entails understanding someone
else’s reality while keeping the integrity of one’s own reality at the same
time. Empathy does not mean agreement with someone else’s reality. It simply
refers to understanding his/her
reality, sometimes a daunting enough task in itself. Non-violent communication
utilizes empathy. It views empathy as a vital component of the communication
process. Maximizing empathy in communication yields the potential for growth,
fulfillment, and intimacy. By utilizing the process of nonviolent communication
one is simultaneously exercising empathy.
COMMUNICATION
Energetic
People communicate energetically,
verbally, and nonverbally. Freud believed energy
flow influenced things such as the unconscious, psychological development,
personality, and neurosis (p. 37).
Everything is energy so it makes sense that everything would be
influenced by and through energy. People’s energy is communicated intuitively.
Energetic communication occurs constantly however some people are more
sensitive and aware of it than others. Most people do not take the time to
understand the energy which is the core of their very beings. This concept of
intuitively understanding someone better from their energy seems weird and
elusive many. It is similar to a person who is color blind claiming colors do
not exist simply because they cannot see them. Another example would be saying
a particular language were weird and possibly non-existent because you do not
understand it. The human body communicates with itself through energy, down to
the various components making up the cell (Dzeja, et al. 2002). If the cells
within the human body communicate energetically then why can’t the human body
(made up of many cells) communicate with other human bodies energetically? Picking
up on these communications occurs on an intuitive and somatic level. We may not
always be aware of these communications unless we pay attention and tap into our
intuition. Intuition refers to the realization of many subtle cues, some of
them somatic but all occurring on an energetic level still undergoing much
exploration and mysterious to most people.
There is a whole branch of yoga
devoted to energy called Kundalini-yoga. According to Kundalini-yoga there is a
subtle energy called Kundalini at the base of the spine. All energies of mind
and body are Kundalini and can be
consciously controlled if practiced (Frager & Fadiman, 1998, p. 492). This
would allow for better understanding of one’s personal energy as well as others
around them. It would facilitate a more conscious energetic communication
between people.
Nonverbal
Nonverbal communication occurs in
several ways. Body language is the most obvious form of nonverbal
communication. The expressive arts utilize many types of nonverbal communication
through dance therapy, art therapy, music, etc. Nonverbal communication is
becoming more popular as people realize more and more that sometimes words are
ineffective in expressing what someone truly feels and/or thinks. Carl Roger’s daughter Natalie Rogers
has achieved many breakthroughs with her clients through the use of expressive
arts (Rogers,
2000). Art therapy is being used in
more mental health facilities. Some incorporate art therapy as a sort of feng shui for decorating their facility.
They utilize their staff in “creative cultural engagements” so create a more cohesive
staff where members feel expressed, respected and special. It also makes it
more cheerful for the patients (Webster & Collier, 2005). New research
shows participation in arts has clear benefits for mental health (Secker, et
al, 2007).
Verbal
Verbal communication involves the
use of language. Many people assume verbal communication’s effectiveness. There
are several issues when using verbal communication which usually go unnoticed.
First, if people speak different languages sometimes things get lost in
translation. This can easily lead to a distortion of the original meaning. Secondly, within the same language many
people ascribe different meanings to the same word. People place connotations
on words due to social influences and personal experiences. The same word can
then mean two different things to two different people. Third, when people are
trying to convey a feeling or an experience their explanation is limited by the
scope of their vocabulary. How many times do people settle for words that fail
to truly capture the essence of what they are trying to express? Probably more
than we ever realize. Despite these issues, we rely heavily on verbal
communication. It is in our best interest to consciously communicate and make sure we are clearly conveying and
understanding the verbal exchanges we engage in.
In terms of fostering actualizing
relationships we need a language technique which values questions and seeks to
gain empathic understanding of one’s partner via a dialogue that captures the
other person’s reality or perception accurately. Nonviolent communication (NVC)
achieves this goal.
Nonviolent Communication (NVC)
It is one technique gaining in
popularity but still widely unknown. The
idea of nonviolent communication has been around for quite a while. Ghandi is
well known for his nonviolent communications in India. The westernized process of NVC was developed by Marshall Rosenberg
as a way for westerners to relinquish the power of past experiences and embrace
the moment to moment interactions with others. NVC has two main goals: (a) to
create human connections that empower compassionate giving and receiving and
(b) to create governmental and corporate structures that support compassionate
giving and receiving (Rosenberg,
2003). Compassion is more important than fear. The dialogue between two people
connects thoughts and feelings to underlying needs and values. Then both people
can work on understanding what is necessary for those needs to be met. It formulates the needs into requests rather
than demands. It respects both people’s personal space. The dialogue follows a
formula entailing observation, feeling, needs, and request. There is not a set
formula and it adapts to personal and cultural situations and styles (Rosenberg,
2003). Andrew Beath
mentions nonviolent communication in his article Navigating the Future: A Guide for Conscious Activism as one of
seven components of conscious activism. He refers to nonviolence as “kindness
in the midst of passion” (Beath, 2006, 11). NVC emphasizes personal
responsibility for actions and choices made when we respond to others. It also
offers and emphasizes a cooperative and collaborative way to contribute to
relationships. It empowers people to remain human even under trying circumstances
and productively handles challenges through the use of effectively
communicating feelings and needs. It does these through honing several skills
in those employing this technique. These skills include: (a) differentiating
observation from evaluation, (b) differentiating feeling from thinking so as to
avoid judgments, (c) connecting with universal needs/values, and (d) requesting
what we DO want rather than what we do not want (Rosenberg, 2003).
Completion
The other vital component to
effective communication is completion. Completion refers to fully closing a
situation or dialogue. This entails full disclosure on the part of the person
sharing. It also entails active listening. The role of the listener is to help
empty the large reservoirs of emotion, anger, stress, frustration and other
negative feelings until the individual can see more clearly. Not until then, can
a party consider the needs of the other. Perhaps we can think of it as
listening first aid.
Completion consists of anything
previously withheld (actions, words, sounds, movements, feelings, etc.). All
these potential areas of withholding are energetic fields that stop flowing if
not brought to completion (Berar, 2009).
Bringing these things to completion is like massaging someone else’s tensed up
muscles. Muscles store memories from life experiences. Until they are fully
massaged the memories are stored there, affecting the ability of the muscle to
perform optimally. Completion must be done in a domain of truth. If it is not
done in this domain it will not work. If any piece of an experience is left
incomplete in that domain of truth then you don’t receive the full benefits of
that self-actualizing experience. It’s about following the energy of your truth
rather than the energy of your expectations. If you look at any real spiritual
pursuit by any of the masters what occurs is a letting go of attachments/expectations.
If someone wants to be happy they need to be complete to obtain all truth and
self-development and in following those truths to completion they will gain
spiritual attainment, self-actualization, and the experience of happiness (Berar, 2009). What makes us not want to follow truth to
completion? Vulnerability. Instead of steering us away from something it should
take us towards it – serving as a roadmap pointing us in the right direction.
Surrendering our vulnerability towards the completion of truth serves as an
overall life enhancement (Berar, 2009).
CLOSING
Intimate relationships contain a
large growth and transformation potential for the partnership and the
individual members. Effective relationships require successful communication.
Successful communication entails empathy, technique, and completion. The
technique of nonviolent communication incorporates empathy, facilitating a
clear expression of someone’s reality and what they need. It also employs
active listening and urges the listener to repeat back to the speaker what they
are hearing to better ensure accurate comprehension. Completion refers to
making sure both parties have expressed everything within themselves regarding
a certain topic or situation. Bringing conversations and situations to
completion ensures both parties receive the full actualizing and transforming
potential. This way of conscious communication allows us to maximize the
benefit and potential of relationships for achieving personal growth.
References
Beath, A. (2006). A Guide
for Conscious Activism. Shift,
12(10), 11.
Berar,
N. Completion. Personal Interview
conducted on March
24, 2009.
Frager, R., & Fadiman, J. (1998). Personality
and personal growth. 4th Edition. New York: Longman.
Rogers,
N. (2000). The creative connection:
expressive arts as healing. Ross-on-Wye,
UK: PCCS.
Rosenberg, M.
(2003). The Center for Nonviolent Communication. Retrieved on March
22,
2009,
from
http://www.cnvc.org
Secker, J., Spandler, H.,
Hacking, S., Kent, L., Shenton,
J. (2007). Art for Mental Health’s
Sake. Mental Health Today, 34.
Webster,
S., Clare, A., Collier, E. (2005).
Creative Solutions: Innovative Use of Arts in Mental Health Settings. Journal of
Psychosocial Nursing & Mental Health Services, 43(5), 42.
